Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
