The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
