well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
