I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
