I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
