i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
