Little spoons don't ask big questions
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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