your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
