I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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