And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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