I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
