Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
