So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
