Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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