My friends, they love my intelligence
I think I died a long time ago.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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