We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
