so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
