It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
