puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
