I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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