Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
