Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
