dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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