Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
