my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
