I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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