We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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