Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
