Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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