He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Who died my cat blue again?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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