only you would photoshop your dick
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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