Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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