My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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