Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
