I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
