He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
