My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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