Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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