he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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