Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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