I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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