i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
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found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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