It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
