Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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