Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
