mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
