just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
