he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
