Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
