You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
