Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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