why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
