i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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