i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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