my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
