I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
