you guys were way drunker than both of me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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